11 Feb 2014

My Adventures At The Supermarket

Yesterday was possible the most terrifying and oddly hilarious day of my entire life. We were sitting in our little blue Ford Focus in the car park of our local supermarket. I say 'supermarket' but really it was one of them convenience stores that seem to look much bigger on the outside that in the inside, but somehow manages to pack their shelves full of everything you would ever need to survive in the heat of the African deserts or in a snow storm at the North Pole. Unfortunately, food is almost twice the price of regular supermarket food and most importantly the car park is almost twice the size less of the store. And that is where this story begins.

Another car pulled up beside us before we had the chance to climb out. Now there was many reasons why the event that happened next happened:

1. The car park is almost twice the size less of the store (I know I already said that but its true!)
2. The car driver next to us should have his driving licence taken away since he clearly cannot park a car in a straight line 
3. The car driver next to us has no spacial awareness at all as he decided to park less than a millimetre away from us 
4.  The car driver really needs new glasses since he couldn't see that there was other spaces for him to park in that were much larger than the one he used right near him  
4. It was a very windy day

As I went to get out of our car, my door swung open a little too wide and touched the man's car very gently just below the back left door's handle. Well...lets just say I have never see a person get out of their car as quickly as that man did. He flew at me shouting "Can't you be more careful. This is a new car don't ya know?" At first I didn't answer, just thinking of three words that would describe him. 
(In case you were wondering they were: Old because of how his face looked like an unironed shirt, Grey which is a word that reflects both his hair and his personality and Grumpy as I didn't know a person could make their face 2 times as long as their normal face just by frowning)

Our conversation went something like this: 
(* - means in my head)
Me: I'm sorry I didn't mean that to happen (starts to stoke the car in an apologetic manner) 
Him: Can't ya see this is ma new car? 
Me: *You already said that* Umm... not really (in my defence the number plate was so plastered with mud you could barely read it and the bonnet was covered in pigeon poo)
Him: For your information it is new and you've just gone and ruined it  
Me: It was an accident 
Him: I don't believe you 
Me: Well you should...
Him: ...Move aside and let me see the damage you've done you silly little girl!
(takes 5 minutes examining his precious car with his nose pressed right up the metal looking a bit like a pig)
Me: Is there anything there *Mr Piggy*?  
Him: (grumbles something)
Me: I said, is there anything there?
Me: GOSH, this is pathetic!

I walked away, leaving the man stand beside his car muttering "Kids these days just have no manners, not like when I was a boy". I spent half an hour filling my 3-wheeled-trolley (the other wheel had fallen off when I was down the bread aisle) with useless junk and was served at the checkout by an even grumpier lady with no neck visible under the rolls of fat under her chin. I unloaded the 5 bags of shopping, parked the trolley in one of them special little plastic huts and climbed into my car. My grandad was my driver for that day and he had a very angry face, and believe me it takes a lot to make him angry. He explained his conversation that had happened minutes earlier with the car man:

Grandad: Look sir I don't appreciate your attitude to my grandaughter
Car Man: She was in the wrong not me
G: Well tell me this, is there even a single mark on your car?
CM: ...Not really
G: Then what the **** are you shouting at my grandaughter for?

As we drove away the man appeared at the window once more, probably  hoping for third time lucky. But before he could answer my grandad shouted "If you don't stop complaining I'll ram this car straight through your car door and we'll see how much damaged that does then shall we!", put his foot down on the accelerator and turned the radio on with I Predict a Riot by Kasier Chiefs blaring out of the speakers.

I couldn't help but imagine the old man climbing back into his car with Tom Jones's What's New Pussycat playing on the radio and him stroking the leather seats and steering wheel muttering "Did that mean girl hurt you Gracie? Don't cry, there now daddy got ya"

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