It is a natural process (although sometimes it seems quite the opposite) and I think it's about time we all stop hiding in the shadows and got a bit more confident talking about woman problems. Periods aren't a dirty thing people, so why do so many of us feel the need to hide our tampons in the very depth of our bags and try to open to packaging silently in the loo? It never works anyway!
It's also about time we fess up to those strange thoughts we are all too embarrassed to admit. We all have them so don't try to tell me otherwise, because then you would be telling a porkie! Yes periods are gross and weird and icky but they are part of being a woman. Therefore we should all just embrace our beautiful bodies and broadcast to the world what having a period is really like. And what they are really like is very different from those adverts on television, believe me:
1. My calendar says my period should arrive today? Where are you little period? What if something is wrong with me and this is the first sign of an incurable disease or worse- what if I'm a pregnant virgin? I don't even know if that is possible. Oh would you just hurry up and come already!
2. *a few minutes later* OH! There you are! The eagle has landed everyone, please lets welcome it to the world with open arms and a sigh of relief that I won't be 16 and pregnant after all.
3. *the next day* Shit this is so bloody annoying! Why is my body punishing me for eating my fruit and veg? I've never done anything wrong...expect that time I ate nothing but chocolate all day. But it was Easter, can't you give a girl some slack?
4. Why do woman get the short end of the stick? First boob pain then having to become a naked mole rat every time we want to wear a bikini, child birth and now blood flowing out my vagina!
5. Eww! I swear I saw something like this in one of those sci-fi movies at the cinema the other day. It's bloody terrifying.
6. Wait, that is one of my babies being thrown in the bin there. I've had that egg since the moment I was born. What if that egg was the one? The one who would find a cure for cancer or be the first person on mars...well it's too late now.
7. AHHH the pain! It feels like I've been shot in the stomach. GIMME ME A HOT WATER BOTTLE NOW!!
8. No I don't need no drugs! I want to do this the natural way like the woman did in 1990s.
9. I'm not trying to scare you or anything but please stand back for a moment 'cos I think my ovaries are about the explode.
10. *lays on sofa* So this is the end then? This is really what it feels like to die. I always pictured my death in a more dramatic way like sky diving or something.
11. OH THIS IS PATHETIC! Pass me all the meds you can find...quick! I have places to go and people to see and I cannot afford to spend another moment feeling like death.
12. Ah that's better...I have no idea why woman make such a fuss about this. It's a breeze.
13. Hallelujah, Hallelujah it's over!! That was the longest week of my life.
14. See you, wouldn't want to be you. Just imagine being more hated than Katie Hopkins!
Phew, one down and only 300+ more to go,
Love Beth xx